Feel free to ask them for what 🥰 I’m taking tomorrow off my phone w Robbie- Christians who sabbath, IYKYK! But obviously she and everyone else will also be addressed. People are afraid to stand up to her or question her bc they’re “afraid to offend a rape victim”- but weaponizing your rape story for personal gain is actually evil, so 🤷‍♀️ Be praying for me & us. I don’t wanna get into “internet drama,” but I gotta speak my testimony. I can’t be AFRAID to share just because Jessica Vazquez, Trisha Paytas & all the drama channels want me to stop reminding people what they did. Walking a line between advocating for myself and being brave, and acting out of anger or wanting vengeance. I really have been praying about this for a very long time, and in this season, I feel called to SPEAK and MOVE. This has all held me back from my MISSION work. I deserve to be able to promote what I’m doing without being bombarded and shamed for existing. Jesus tells us to love others as ourselves. And I know if someone else needed someone to speak up for them, I would. I always have. Made me friends like Trisha Paytas and Jessi Smiles. So I have to defend myself and speak the truth the way I would a friend. And i have my husband and my REAL friends by my side 🥰 Love you, pray for us for real!

I just finished recording like HOURS of this story. I just ended after the dude came into my house. Im gonna try to get part 1 up before I go to sleep and tap out for sabbath tho. Did not expect it to take this many turns, but its just the NATURE of this INSANE TESTIMONY.

When you guys share your testimony with me; when you tell me that my video spoke to you and brought you closer to God; when you tell me you bought a Bible, or gave your life to Jesus because of something I said- It’s the encouragement I need to stay here and share my story, to share GOD’S STORY! And I literally don’t wanna be here (in the public eye) most of the time 😭 I have to really rev myself up honestly. So anyway it seems like every time I pray to God for encouragement to keep going, one of ya’ll sends me a message here or on IG or something to tell me your faith has been grown in some way. I was blessed in the open chat this morning by a few of you, thank you ❤️

Guys 😂 I was just making a doctor’s appointment at a new office in town, and the receptionist asked me over the phone, “do you have any autism?” 😭😭 Yes. The answer is yes.

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTr5PApBN/ No judgement, no hate to this woman. I want to hug her and love her and tell her it’s gonna be okay very soon. But this right here is why God sets guidelines and standards for us… it’s quality control. Had this woman waited til marriage, I can confidently guarantee this man would not have destroyed her in this way. Sobbing in her car, losing her mind, warning us: “be careful who you have a baby with.” She goes on to say what a deplorable person he was for their entire relationship. So tell me: why was this woman with this man for so long? Because she was chemically bound to this evil loser. And now she has a baby with him… one of 3 babies he has. She said he abandoned his other two kids and left them with the last girl he did this to. When you wait, when you follow God’s blueprint, it weeds out men like this. This man would not court this woman without sex for the length of time it would take, the commitment it would take to marry her. She wouldn’t be a single mom crying in her car because she’s so burnt out, overwhelmed and devastated by her circumstances. Again, I’m not judging this woman… but it’s a cautionary tale. I’m so, so beyond grateful that God protected me from having a baby outside of a marriage… but that doesn’t make me better than anyone else. Her and I sinned against ourselves (1 Corinthians 6:19) in the same way, I just didn’t get pregnant… that wasn’t God’s plan for my life. I have close friends who are single parents who have been devastated and heartbroken. I don’t judge them, because we were doing the same things, I just didn’t get pregnant. And they love their children, and their children saved them in a lot of ways. God gives us what we need to try and get us to turn back to Him. For some people, it takes a baby to get them out of dangerous lifestyles, to wake them up. I have a friend who was into a Hollywood lifestyle surrounded by celebrities, drugs, and casual sex; her child pulled her out of it. And sometimes, sadly, they don’t repent and turn to God; sometimes He puts babies into difficult homes because He’s shaping that baby to be something great in the future, with resilience and strength. Our world sets us up for failure; God desires to prosper us. But He can’t if we keep rejecting His grace. Any single parents here, please know that I really, truly am not judging you. I believe all babies are gifts from God, as the Bible tells us (Psalm 127:3). You were given that gift because you were chosen as a vessel to bring that soul into the world, and God blessed you with someone to ground you. I have no doubt about that. And I have total faith that, if you haven’t found it yet, you will. But I don’t wanna see anyone sobbing in their car because of something that was totally preventable. Everyone deserves a love that mimics Christ’s love for the church, which is God’s intention for us (Eph 5:25). I love you all so much 💞

I'm taking it to printer tomorrow, and we're moving over to a MTO platform. I can't believe I didn't do it this way all along. I think I was really leaning into the fantasy of lookdesign.co because I didn't see a future as an artist/musician. but I am definitely THAT GORL and am ready to throw myself 100% back into MUSIC. Robbie set up the most perfect beautiful studio and we're ready to WORK and PRACTICE! God has definitely been telling me to get prepared. Change and miracles happen SUDdEnLY! But you gotta be ready to receive. Getting back to discipline with training (fitness, vocals) and learning new skills (guitar/bass/spanish). Oh, and I wanna revisit some old loves, like choreo! This is gonna be my last run with lookdesign.co ... I'm moving everything under the AND THE FRONTMEN. brand. The shirts etc will just be a regular merch store, pretty much. TIME TO FOCUS! Not for me this time, but for the kingdom. Whatever scale, whatever timing, whatever reach God has for me. All I know right now is that I'm being called to focus 100% on music. OH, I wanna produce "The Light Is Here" with Robbie by Easter :) That would be great. Love u!

Alright guys, so I've been thinking and praying a lot today, especially after this morning in the group chat. I'm obviously still really, really triggered by all this, and I've been allowing it to pull me into a CONTINUAL state of sin. IT IS NOT OKAY TO HATE. Today I've just been crying out to God to please remove the hate & unforgiveness from my heart. It is NOT OKAY to want to retaliate and hurt people back. It is too easy to instantly revert back to a place of wishing I could change things that are out of my control. Everyone telling me, fans and haters alike, that I need to move on are 100% correct. I am trying SO HARD . I HAVE been trying SO HARD . It is SO hard to move on when your abusers, the people who slandered and hated their way into their careers, are so publicly present... and their fans have already been weaponized against you. It hurts me to see my abusers thrive- it is ENVY, even though I do not want what they have. It is RAGE that their toxic behaviors are actively CELEBRATED , while I was painted as a manipulative, money-hungry, evil, deceitful, toxic, hateful, abusive person for [insert anything from the past decade of endless harassment here]. It is hard to keep this wound shut without shutting out everything else- the calling to write and share music and MY TESTIMONY. It takes a lot of strength and courage every time I attempt to be consistent online again. Without fail, as soon as I find some stability and start posting again, viral videos start swirling around-- misdiagnosing me; making openly bigoted remarks about my faith, my ethnic features, and mental health- It's truly like I'm subhuman. Peoples' ethnic features are off-limites, unless it's Gabbie Hanna. Religion/faith is off limits, unless it's Gabbie Hanna. Mental Health is off-limits, unless it's Gabbie Hanna. It is so impossible to ignore. I tried to leave the internet, I tried to just be a regular local person, but that wasn't possible for me either. As soon as people knew I was teaching fitness classes, literally like first week, it was flooded with people who were there for a spectacle. Some fans, of course... but a lot of people who I could sense were there just for a laugh. All because the drama channels who told me to go home and get a real job couldn't resist but laugh at the fact that I just wanted to go home and get a real job. Not many people can understand the feeling of literally not being able to do anything at all online or offline without being harassed to this level. I cannot go anywhere or do anything in my real, private life without these people intrusively stalking and harassing me. My wedding, my marriage, that I never intended to make public this soon, was made public by drama channels. My wedding photos were shared without my consent and spread by drama channels. I wanted to live a private life of service with my husband for a minimum of a year before deciding if we wanted to share that I was even married publicly, but I didn't get that opportunity for peace and privacy. I'm sorry for ranting again- it just makes me feel so trapped and helpless that I cannot just find rest from these people who make so much money off me. It is shot for shot what happened to Britney Spears at the hands of the tabloids/paparazzi before HER mental breakdown. They tried to take me away too. They held me by force in my home for almost 3 hours while they waited for psych doctors to come evaluate me... who deemed me sane and safe. They would have put me in their van and taken me away right then, but turns out I'm still not the dangerous psycho that all that slanderers tried so hard to make me. But one thing I do know, after trying to walk away for YEARS, is that God did not give me everything He gave me just for myself. He didn't give me a recognizable voice, face and name just to retire quietly and live off my savings (while working for $10 a class at the YMCA... yeah, I was making $10-40 a WEEK depending on how many classes I taught that week. I'm retired. I was trying to do something good for my community, and it immediately turned into a public spectacle, and unsafe/uncomfortable working environment). I'm not allowed to waste my talents, I'm not allowed to keep my testimony to myself. And I have a right to be here [THE INTERNET] without being treated as a creature in a zoo. I'm trying to figure out how to exist on the internet without allowing this to continue to harm me; and, without allowing it to lead ME to harm others. Because I DON'T WANT REVENGE! I've, so many times, forgiven and tried to forget about these people. They will not let me. And still- There is NO REASON for me to randomly being trying to expose people for their salacious acts that are readily available to the public in my Patreon group chat . There is NO REASON for me to be trying to defend myself to people who are intentionally slandering me for money . And there is NO REASON to be allowing myself to operate in a spirit of hatred, bringing that influence HERE to YOU guys. TRYING TO BRING THEM DOWN IS NOT GOING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. IT WILL NOT "FIX" ANYTHING. IT ONLY BRINGS FORTH MORE HATRED. GOD TELLS US TO LOVE THOSE WHO HATE US AND BLESS THOSE WHO HURT US. And here I was, hating my enemies and praying on their downfall. JESUS TOLD US THE ONLY COMMAND IS TO LOVE. And here I was, spewing hatred. What I know to be true, and what I feel most days: The slander was the vehicle God used to reach me and bring me home. It was the greatest blessing of my life to be removed from <that world> and to be put into >this one<. So I have to do this again today, I have done this many times, but I wanna do it in front of all of you- I am thankful for my circumstances. It gives me deep, guttural shivers to imagine my life had it not changed course so suddenly & drastically. It makes me sick thinking about a world where I don't have my soulmate. I'm angry with myself for even ALLOWING myself to be upset about this when my real world is so colorful and exciting. Like guys- we did it. We built out the studio and gym space downstairs, and it rocks. Robbie is actually learning production, and we're actually making music, and actually traveling and having a great time. We're redoing some floors etc. right now- just making everything as clean and functional as possible for the day we bring BABIESSSS into this house! And, we've been attending a new church regularly again, and that's been really fruitful for our soulllllls. All of the people God used to reach me, and is STILL USING to reach me- they are also God's handiwork. He made them and He loves them, and so I love them too. Even when it hurts, and even when I have to force myself to say it... I LOVE THEM. They're sinners, but so am I. I can't judge them for where they are in their walk- all I can do is PRAISE GOD! that HE PULLED ME FROM THE DARKNESS. He chose me and blessed me, and I believe in JESUS' MIGHTY, HOLY NAME that He will choose and bless them too. Pray it with me and we are all in agreement, The Holy Spirit in prayer with us- God will redeem them and make them valuable to the kingdom, the same way He did for me. He will pull them from the darkness and reveal the light to them. They will use their charisma, talent, and work ethic to create meaningful, positive, impactful content that UPLIFTS others. And PRAY IN JESUS' NAME WITH ME, that so will I. And if I could bother you to join me in this prayer- it's for me, but pray it over yourselves too. Let's all pray this together for ourselves and for each other- -Father in Heaven. El Roi. Yahweh. Adonai. El Shaddai. Elohim. Jehovah Rapha. Jesus- Thank you for hearing us and seeing us. Thank you for convicting us of our sin and for holding us while we fight the temptation to give in. Remove hate, anger, bitterness and resentment from our hearts. Use us for your glory, God- to bring love, care, and life to those who are in need. Heal us from our wounds, God Almighty. Reveal truth to us, Good Lord. Keep our focus on lovely and pure things. Bless us with the fruits of the spirit: joy, love, faith, gentleness, patience, love, SELF-CONTROL, goodness, kindness. In Jesus' name, bring peace back on earth. Amen. ANYWAY!! Jesus said "And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire.”(Matt 18:9). OBVIOUSLY, engaging on social media causes me to sin, and it's impossible for me to have social media on my phone apparently without engaging. So that means I need to throw it away. Because my eternal soul matters, YEP! But even just now in this moment, being on social media again has brought a lot of negativity and hatred into my life. Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." And wow, is that the truth. When I step online, there is hate, and if I don't guard my heart from that hate, IT FLOWS BACK OUT OF ME! And I am NOT, by nature, a hateful or angry person! By nature, I am a fun, creative, compassionate, loving person. For me this is no longer a no-brainer... I can't engage. So the plan moving forward... the dream I've had for many years lol... is to just make content and have someone else post! Might be Robbie, might be a friend I trust who is interested in the job... but it won't be me. And that makes me a little sad because in all the years I had to shut my eyes to the hate, I had to turn my backs on the love and the fans. I used to have such a good connection with my audience, and I miss that a lot. I love being in the group chat with you guys. I'm gonna miss the group chat. I'M GONNA MISS YOU! I love coming in and talking to you. And you guys inspire me SO MUCH in my ministry, you encourage me SO MUCH in my faith... you have been an answered prayer for me MANY times. MANY times I've prayed to God to tell me if I was on the right track, and I come in to see one of you telling me how my openness with my faith brought you closer to God. THAT IS WHAT I HOLD ONTO, IT IS MY ONLY REASON FOR PUTTING MYSELF BACK OUT HERE. I NEED to share what Jesus has done and is doing for me. I REALLY HOPE THIS CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE TO YOU IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ALSO NEED TO STEP BACK FROM SOCIAL MEDIA. I say that as someone who is still going to be posting on social media, who would benefit from your views and comments lol. Remember guys, I took a whole year off social media... and even though I was going through a lot, the feeling of not being on social media is a peaceful airiness that I can't even put into words. Anyway I love you ALL, EVERY SINGLE PERSON READING THIS, and I am sorry once again for acting in a way that was un-Christlike. To you and to God, I'm sorry. I'm trying really hard all the time to be more and more like Him, but unfortunately, I FALL SHORT A LOT :,D SEE YA <3

Wait so idk why this is just hitting me but I actually laughed out loud. Bc the response, as we knew, is “Why are you bringing this up! Leave it in the past!” Let’s remember… Jessi smiles made a video in 2019… based on an alleged convo that hurt her feelings in 2014 😭😭😭😭 and that was the call to deplatform me 😭😭😭😭 It’s so funny to watch people be so lemming, and I’m also just glad that I’m laughing instead of crashing out Bc before it was all so SERIOUS. It was so HEAVY. But now it’s just… hey, so this was insane? I mean it obviously still affects me or else we wouldn’t be here. But it’s not intimidating. It’s not crazy making. it’s just laughable. Amen- my abusers no longer intimidate me :) They can no longer convince me I’m crazy. Jessi Smiles’ big hitter was sharing that I said “his friends didn’t rape you.” I’m 100% positive she delivered it with a much different tone and intention than I would have, and maybe she heard it that way. I didn’t have any recollection of this until she made a video about, and honestly I can’t even be sure it’s real, bc she lies so much. But I CAN imagine saying it, because this would have been around the time she said she was going to kick me out of the apartment (she never allowed me to have a key) if I hung out with Zane & Heath. I wasn’t allowed to have any friends who knew or hung out with Curtis, or who ever collaborated with Curtis (despite her long-standing relationship with Alx James who was part of her cancellation team, isn’t that psychotically ironic?). She wanted me to sit alone in her apartment with her and her brother, only leaving when she allowed me to have the key. I literally needed permission to leave and come back in. Isn’t that insane? Like a true narcissist, she tried to control me by limiting my world and isolating me from friends, colleagues, opportunities and community. When I stood up for myself, she decided in that moment that she would never be able to let me move on from her. For years, she told her audience that she was going to ruin my career and that she was just waiting for the right time (documented), and she starts off her “Gabbie Hanna needs to be stopped” video by saying essentially, “Trisha Paytas made a video and it went over well so it’s the right time!” A coward, a leech; an opportunistic, lying narcissist… and that’s just the truth 🤷‍♀️ Anyway just wanted to share that thought as I’m waiting to release all the podcasts, etc. I feel pretty good about what I’ve put out on TikTok, I think it summarizes my feelings pretty well, so I’m not gonna make TikToks with every thought I wanna get out of my system… so I’ll just write and record it here. It’ll get passed around to everyone who’s supposed to see it anyway 😌🤏 Keep praying for me. Robbie is keeping me grounded in the purpose: I have to confront this so that I can continue to do God’s work without crashing out every time I see a post that is either calling me psychotic or a rape apologist. There is no ending to this for me, it’s simply a part of my story that I will discuss at length and with as much detail as I want (or don’t want), whenever I want, for as long as I need. It’s not about “moving on.” It’s about “not being afraid to tell the truth.” It’s about “this is my story and no one’s gonna tell me I can’t share it.” It’s about discussing what happened to me, how it brought me to repentance and Jesus, without worrying about them rearing their jealous, wicked, greedy, hateful, talentless little heads. Because let’s be real… anyone with genuine talent doesn’t make tabloids lol. There’s a clear line between Britney Spears and Perez Hilton. And Britney cried and begged Perez and the tabloids to stop but they still didn’t. We love you Britney ❤️WE’RE PRAYING FOR YOU BRITNEY. THANK YOU FOR INSPIRING SO MANY OF US! WE’RE SORRY FOR HOW THE DRAMA CHANNELS TREATED YOU. WE PRAY JOY, PEACE, HAPPINESS, HEALING AND LOVE OVER YOU! In Jesus’ name, amen. Ok guys ttyl! Gonna finish the basement w Robbie/mount our instruments. I’ll give you a tour later if we finish :) Gonna edit podcasts. Oh, and we’ll check the t shirt preorder numbers! Ok bye ❤️

Quite literally exactly the reaction I expected lol I saw that comment a couple times and had to smirk to myself a little, bc these people are nothing if not absolutely 100% predictable . Of course I knew that they were going to say the same exact phrases and use the same exact screenshots and use the same exact words. I knew the reaction on one side would be to just spew the same nonsense and virtue signaling they always have, rallying around obscene, histrionic women (I know the people here with functioning minds and souls recognize that Jessi Smiles coming out of retirement to dramatically and emotionally rehash her version of a 5 year old conversation is the definition of histrionic lol… someone posted the screenshot of the definition as an insult to me but all I could see is Jessi smiles crying with her hair clips in 2019 😭). I obviously knew the drama channels and their fans would garishly act offended on behalf of these histrionic women and themselves. I also knew that a LOT more people would be willing to see the truth from a new lense, and they are. I’ve seen more people defend me than ever before, I’ve seen videos popping up and supportive comments in a way I haven’t seen probably ever about this situation, actually. But the purpose wasn’t to try and convince people who made up their minds about me already to change it; someone who dedicated their life to a lie is not going to suddenly go back on the entire story they built their platform on. They’re stuck in that narrative bc it’s paid all their bills and given them their entire purpose. Even if they don’t realize it, they’ve created a positive feedback loop for evil within themselves… they’re literally incapable of seeing reality bc for years they’ve been rewarded highly for living in a delusion. The purpose was to be able to break myself out of the fear that stops me from telling my testimony every time I get to the public slander and defamation part. Bc I know Jessi and the drama channels well enough to know that even the fact that I would call it slander is enough for them to come waving their victim flags. I know that if I reach a level of success that offends or threatens Jessi in any way, she’ll pop back up to try and take me down again… just like she did from 2014-2019 😂 Her fans and the drama channels either don’t know or actively ignore Jessi’s documented obsession with me/taking me down for years; that’s why they think “Jessi hasn’t said your name in years” is proof she wouldn’t do it again if she felt envious and hateful enough. Or if her views dropped low enough the way they did before she did all this. Homegirl literally hadn’t posted in ages and all of a sudden she comes back swinging with a drama podcast… it really is somethin! It’s almost like she stirs up controversy for attention and money, that thing they always accuse me of, the drama channels who stir up controversy for views and money 😵‍💫 This is so random but… I have a spot in my heart for Adam McIntyre. He’s no better than any of them honestly, and for all I know he might even be worse; I don’t watch any of them to know or compare in detail like that. They all use the same titles and thumbnails so it’s hard to differentiate. Obviously has an obsession with me, that’s clear, but that’s true of a lot of people (especially the ones who profit off of exploiting me). But there’s just something about the fact that he was so, so young when he got wrapped up into this. He got emotionally stunted at the age and maturity of a child, literally, bc that’s when he gained attention/money. I’ve spoken at length about how I was stunted at 23 because that’s when I got rich & famous… a Hollywood tale as old as time. That’s what’s happened to him, except how old was he? How old is he now actually, is he still a teenager? There’s no way right, he’s gotta be in his twenties by now (just googled 23). Anyway. Idk what it is about him, but for some reason, l’m rooting for him to change and do something better… something more interesting, something more valuable, something that requires talent, something that requires compassion. I would hate to see him a washed up, sad Perez Hilton (which is all of their fate, it’s a matter of time). Idk it’s probably just because he was a literal kid when he got into this. It’s like when a young man goes to jail bc he was brought into a gang when he was a kid; can you really blame someone for doing what they were taught & rewarded to do? As for now though, he’s still wasting his talent, and that’s sad to me! SOMEONE TELL ME WHY HE’S DIFFERENT IN MY MIND & HEART EVEN THO HE’S EQUALLY GUILTY 😭 AM I JUST BEING SOFT BC IM STILL IMAGINING HIM AS A LITTLE CHILD IN 2020? 😭 If his content is actually above and beyond hateful and I’m just creating the image of a lost little boy in my mind, lmk lol. I cannot lie, it gives me a slight peace and satisfaction knowing that they’re all reading this rn. Adam, sometimes I actually wish you and I could have a 1 on 1. Not a filmed convo or content, just a legitimate 1 on 1. Again, idk why YOU above anyone else bc you’re all doing the same thing. There’s just something about you, Adam… a light, maybe. I don’t think you’re rotten to your soul the way some of these drama channels are, I think you’re confused… and I think you’re better than this. Maybe someday we will. AGAIN I GENUINELY DONT EVEN KNOW WHY! IT’S JUST AN INEXPLICABLE FEELING THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD HEART INSIDE AND I WANT TO SEE YOU BE GENUINELY SUCCESSFUL DOING GENUINELY GOOD AND INTERESTING THINGS. Alright guys I gotta go do a work out and pray bc I woke up with too much energy apparently. & I do want to sincerely, even if it’s hard, say this- Jessi, Trisha, Angelika, Adam, rich lux (always forget about him for some reason), nick, Dustin, Smokey glow, ready to glare, Anna oop (always forget her/it too! Is this a real person or AI?), spill sesh, tea spill… you guys know the list— I genuinely hope you guys are happy and peaceful in life. I pray that you find a genuine passion that wakes you up each day that involves light, loving, positive, fruitful work. I pray that you have joy and purpose, and that your mind is filled with pure and lovely thoughts. I pray that you become so successful doing good things, that you have no time to make gossip content. I pray that you find forgiveness for everyone who hurt you, and that you heal from all your wounds. I pray that you feel loved & seen, that you feel safe & healthy; and I pray that you want that for everyone else. I pray that if you have a family, that you are present and loving with them; and if you don’t have a family, that you find one. I mean it with my entire soul when I say that I want you to get on the path to heaven. I know that sounds stupid and insane to a lot of you; but I believe in heaven and hell, and the path you’re on, THE PATH I WAS ON, is a fast-track to hell. Gossip, lies, hate… these are sins that God doesn’t take lightly. I have to actively pray and fight against it all the time, and repent when I fall into it again. I love you all, even when I feel deep pain, rage and despair at your treatment toward me. Even still, it would be a blessing for me to see you all do something meaningful and good with your lives. It would be a BLESSING to see you surrender your life to Jesus and walk in his commandments- to love others as yourselves. I pray that you are able to love yourself. Jesus, I pray you allow them to love themselves. Jesus, please heal their hearts; mend the wounds that guide their actions and help them to lead with love. And forgive me God, for every moment I slip back to that place myself. Amen! Adam DM me my friend!

When you guys share your testimony with me; when you tell me that my video spoke to you and brought you closer to God; when you tell me you bought a Bible, or gave your life to Jesus because of something I said- It’s the encouragement I need to stay here and share my story, to share GOD’S STORY! And I literally don’t wanna be here (in the public eye) most of the time 😭 I have to really rev myself up honestly. So anyway it seems like every time I pray to God for encouragement to keep going, one of ya’ll sends me a message here or on IG or something to tell me your faith has been grown in some way. I was blessed in the open chat this morning by a few of you, thank you ❤️

No but rly. Bc I was spinning out a minute ago and a few people in the chat were throwing scripture, prayers, and truth my way. That’s the type of people I want to be surrounded with— people who know how to simultaneously ground and uplift. And hopefully I can be that for you, too. Thanks for being there for me :) Robbie & I are setting up for a podcast now.

Jesus did it, He actually has shifted my heart into full blown empathy and compassion. For years I’ve been grappling with the command to forgive and love your enemies, but this last week, even as of this morning, Jesus has shoved me into the space of radical love and sorrow for them. This past week, I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time- the wrath, bitterness and resentment of the past. In speaking up, in sharing my testimony, I knew it was going to stir up their demons… AND MINE! Still, knowing I had to face my fear and use my voice. And it reminded me… That’s what these people feel all the time 🥺 Even if there isn’t hate being directed their way… it’s coming from within them , and that curse is so much worse. Because listen. I experience hate all the time. I’m a target for hate all the time. OBV. Even when I’m offline teaching & creating programs at the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA), they are directing hate. When I’m sharing what Jesus did for me, sharing my wedding, sharing my music, sharing my art, they are directing hate. That part is easy, it’s irrelevant. But the feeling of hate coming from within you is an anguish that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. After experiencing that again for a few short days (after posting my podcast), I have newfound compassion and empathy for them. I was going to bed and waking up thinking about them for MULTIPLE DAYS! In fact, I guess I was even this morning bc I wrote a blog like, as soon as I woke up about it. This isn’t my resting state… but it IS their resting state. They go to bed and wake up every day thinking about someone else. They hear my voice in their head every day. Not a day passes that they don’t think about me. About whoever else they’re talking about. The conflict and drama consumes them. It pays them. It feeds them. But it doesn’t feed and pay me, it hurts and destroys me, because I’m a child of God, and because I have found favor with Him. He doesn’t allow me to be rewarded and encouraged by it, because He’s marked me for Heaven, because from childhood, I was baptized in the name of Jesus, professing Him as my savior. He heard my prayer to not let me go too far down the wrong path. And when I started down that path, He turned me around and dragged me out, kicking and screaming. 99.8% of days, I go to bed and wake up in prayer, next to my husband. I go to bed and wake up thinking about the money we’re able to put out and the good we’re able to do. I go to bed and wake up thinking about the songs we have to record, the choreography I want to perfect, the art I want to compile into a book, the stories I want to tell, the poetry I want to write, the home projects I want to complete. And if I allow myself to slip into sin, I go to bed and wake up thinking about people who are truly just a voiceless series of screenshots in my head. They all have my post notifications on and are waiting with baited breath on every word I say; that’s how I feel about Jesus 😭 I can’t imagine being this obsessed with anyone other than God, and then my man, and I assume my future kids. Anyway, I’m feeling a new level of healing in this situation. It’s not just about forgiveness, it’s about compassion. I hate that they don’t see a better life outside of drama and gossip, I hate that they’re wasting their talents and life, I hate that their entire existence depends on bringing others down (under the guise of doing good). Awh, why do I want to hug the little baby version of Angelika Oles? 😭 Why do I wanna tell her to stay in school and have confidence in herself and her REAL goals, and to not give up on her REAL dreams? 😭 Why do I wanna hug baby Dustin Daily and tell him “You are not ugly, you are not a loser, you are not an outcast, and you don’t need to make anyone else feel that way.” But maybe I just have the memory of the sweet guy who was reacting to my music back in the day. That’s how I’m choosing to view them from now on… even Jessi, even Trisha. Just hurt, traumatized people who are doing to me what’s been done to them. And now I can return to where I was before I got sidetracked this past week… which is a place of forgiveness. But that forgiveness has expanded into genuine love. To the drama channels who are reading this- I know ya’ll hate me, but I love you fam. I really do. I really am rooting for ALL of you. Because I know where I came from and what I became and who I am now… and I know God is gonna do the same for you :)